My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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