I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
