rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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