a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
