Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
