It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
