Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
