he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
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