I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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