I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I didn't notice because vodka
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
