My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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