I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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