My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
