id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
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After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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