so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
