so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
