No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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