I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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