When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
