if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
