I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
