my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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