I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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