Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
