did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
