I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
