Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
