overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
