oh god the rape fog is back!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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