If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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