he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
