I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
