The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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