and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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