saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
