That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
