Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
