We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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