dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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