Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
