finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
