Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
