hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
