OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
