apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
