How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
you made out with another girl for some wings
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
