community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
