Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
