Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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