I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
