The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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