Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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