I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
