Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
