who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.