Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.