if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.