If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
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