you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
