Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Randomize
