I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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