Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My cat gives me a boner
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
