Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
