so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
