Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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